im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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