...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
