dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
