Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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