In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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