I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm like, not good at living.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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