if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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