Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
