is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
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