Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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