Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
