My liver just broke up with me...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
