You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
