I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
