Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
