I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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