omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
