Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
