That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You left your phone here
Wait...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
