Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
