I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
