so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
