guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
