I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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