I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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