Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize