have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
