i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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