Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
