Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
