Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize