Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
