Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
