Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm so fucking centered right now
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
