I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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