Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
