Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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