She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
