Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
