Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
