just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
