I bet he comes in French.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
