I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
