bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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