She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
