Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Randomize
