Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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