There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
