Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
be right there i have to get my cape
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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