You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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