Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
