Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
