im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
