Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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