i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
