I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
