You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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