Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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