she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My life is pants optional.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize