Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
