In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
