You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
