ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
