True but thats because hes a fetus.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
