I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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