I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
