there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
