He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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