dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
